By Fatema Agarkar, Educationist and Founder of ACE

Last year through the country-wide lockdown showed us what disruptions are all about. This second wave that engulfs our country and subsequently forcing many States into lockdown. Is indicative of how volatile our days have been and will continue to be, and the importance of treating the challenges, one day at a time. As homes turn into WFH office spaces, as bedrooms become make-shift classrooms. As devices are shared and used to communicate, learn and work, parenting in Covid19 times requires a different mindset.

I have been saying this from the first lockdown in March 2020. That Pre pandemic efforts were blessed with an ability to shift some responsibility to the school. The classes that children enrolled themselves in, playdates organized. It is essential to have some ‘personal space’ be it for the children or the adults, but in the lockdown world, the ‘chain’ does not really break and the circle is a continuous series of days. That at times may lead to frustration for both the adults and the children caught in that ‘bubble.’

The summer months in this country do nothing to ‘calm’ nerves either, and as one waits for the cool monsoon months. And things to normalize, the reality of the times is that ‘normalization’ is still a distance away in this marathon called Covid. Therefore, it is important to put all of this in perspective, if we have to approach the next 15-18 months. With a sense of purpose and make these months count more than ever.

Also,

Acceptance that these times are different and difficult will be a good starting point for parents. Approach it like a ‘forced’ adventure, one that can you in fact control. The priority must be wellness and wellbeing, and attention paid to what you are feeling, and compassion for what your children are experiencing. As adults, our conditioning over a period of time, allows us to ‘manage’ emotions.

Unfortunately, which children as ‘work -in – progress’ cannot have the same ability. And therefore they need direction and role modeling, tons of patience, and lots of unconditional love. It sounds easy to pen this down on paper, well, truth to be told, it is not. This navigation is maneuvering a ship through stormy waters. And while there will be calm that eventually happens, the timing is something that remains beyond control; hence it is important to create short-term and long-term goals to keep that ship afloat.

Some ‘cool’ tips:

1. Every educator has been emphasizing the need to create some sort of routine for your children. Children thrive when given freedom, but remember, they need to structure that in a way that allows them some purpose as well. Over the years, as a mother and an educator. I find that children feel ‘comforted’ when given freedom, but also a direction, a path, and some goals to achieve. It allows them to think and plan and gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility. These could be the fun exercises you lead every Sunday with them after watching their favorite serial. It is important that the environment is relaxed and not rushed, and Sunday works best devoid of work tasks (please keep them away). And their school routines. Think of this as a ‘contract’ between your child and you and defining the ‘week’s goal’ will help both parties to have clarity. And reduce the disappointments that usually arise when a parent ‘expects’ something, and the child has totally missed the point because. She/he was not paying attention and does something completely different. This routine would include negotiations on screen time, play time, study time, reading time, eating time, exercise time, bath time, tidying up time, tv time, etc. I use the word negotiation because this cannot be a one-way street with you dictating what time they should eat, sleep, etc. It involves a dialog and the rationale and explaining your points of you. To get their buy-in and being open-minded to their suggestions. As adults, you can navigate this conversation to what you would eventually like. It to be, but involving children in a discussion makes them ‘listen’ and also ‘locks’ them in
2.       Have clear consequences for when the routine is compromised. I do not mean that for half an hour of extra playtime means they are denied their favourite meal. What I mean is that for resistance to give up screen time for extended periods. There must be ‘3 strikes’ after which the child automatically accepts that there will be consequences for ‘pushing’ the deadline cut-off. The importance of being consistent is also a clear sign for the children and must be adhered to. Often parents give in, and this then becomes a battleground when the parents do not want to bend the rules. This approach leads to fewer confrontations, and tears because once the child has consented to something. He/she is aware that there will be consequences and yes, expect some resistance and pleading and sometimes mood swings. But children get over this very quickly when they realise their parents mean business! This is the same moment to get over compared to when there are no rules.
3.  Set your own expectations as a family. I cannot emphasize this. While I am a huge advocator for using social media sensibly, at times I realise parents start to use these comparisons. For that matter even on social chats when parents share notes with each other about their children. What works for your family is unique to your household circumstances and do not make the mistake of thinking it can be modelled along the lines of what someone else is managing. This is a huge trigger point for conflicts in homes, and best to always be appreciative of what others manage, but as a family, you have to set your own goals.
4.   Humour – laughter and plain old ‘monkeying’ around is very important if you have to keep the mood light and lively. This also works wonders for acceptance levels when parents have to set deadlines. A happy, joyful atmosphere is important especially with the kind of overwhelmingly sad news that is reported every day. Your job as a parent is to keep your children safe, and happy and also to keep their morale up. They do not need to know all the facts of the world, as this leads to anxiety which is another trigger point for tantrums as children also get worried and are unable to always express this through words.
5.  Knowing the pulse of your children and what works and what does not must be your biggest driving force. Leave the academic goals aside for a moment, know what makes your child happy. What is confusing your child, what is tiring your child, what is difficult for your child and accepting that. You will be able to reach out to different professionals – be it your child’s teacher in a school or a therapist for intervention. When you are not able to manage the emotions as a family. And the sooner you get professional help, the safer it is for your relationship. This could be a behavioral change or an academic dip, or even an emotional indifference. It is very important to spot the signs and address them quickly.
6.    Ensure that the time you spend with your child involves quality interactions, and also some time for the child to manage independently explaining. You have household chores or work tasks or need to connect with the family of friends socially. (this is important for them to know so that they also put a price on these relationships). This ‘distancing’ is also healthy, as lockdown times demand every minute of your energy, and as an adult. It is unrealistic to believe you can sustain like a superhuman with the same tenacity. Distancing therefore allows for personal time, which is just the oxygen that your relationship needs. What it also does is that after your personal ‘quotient’ is in a happy place. Allow you to give your child all the attention, energy which is the memory they must be left with. Not a parent who is drained with work tasks, and emotional about a friend not well who is leaning on them for support. This passes over to the child who will no doubt exhibit this behaviour in time as a response to something you may suggest as a way of ‘acting’ out. As they say, get the oxygen mask on yourself before you even begin to help those around you!

These are some basic reminders to get you through the months ahead. Remember, no parent has a complete fix on this, and no child is perfectly going to follow all rules. And all one can do as a family is making this relationship about communication, mistakes, corrections with some funny and happy memories.

Happy parenting!

About the Author

Fatema Agarkar, is an Educationist and Founder of ACE

By Fatema Agarkar

While some states and cities in India saw the partial opening of schools for a short period of time prior to the new virus mutations that make the second wave so much more severe, it is a fact that pre-schoolers and those in elementary years, including primary years, continued to operate with their virtual engagements. As it was not deemed ‘safe’ for them to be in physical environments other than the safety of their homes given a host of reasons that were agreed upon by governments, education departments, local administration, etc. In fact, if reports are to be believed, even those that could attend school as a physical class had many parents deciding against this, forcing schools to adopt the blended format of learning.

Impact on children

 This ‘wait’ for the physical school for those that were denied entry, to the ‘anxiety’ associated with the physical classes did create a further impact on children and the way they express themselves. 

The conversations around Covid are not joyous ones and be it news channels or discussions at home with everyone is locked in did its fair share of damage to these little minds who suddenly found themselves ‘distanced’, isolated, restrained, and being exposed to circumstances that were totally alien. From the ‘breaks’ they got from their home when in school, or outdoors, playing or even in classes, this around the clock with nowhere to go and dependent on their family for support was a challenge for these children and that is a simple fact. They missed their friends, the comfort of their teachers helping them and generally life turned on them!

 The teachers tried their best to engage, create activities, parents with their own workload toiled away, but the ‘distance’ for the younger children was especially difficult and teenagers have complained of fatigue as well. Their little world turned upside down in the past 12 months, a school year has gone by, and to be told yet again that the world will not normalise despite some ‘vaccines’ because the ‘numbers are rising’ is all too much for children this young. If adults are experiencing languishing, lethargy, lack of motivation, depression, and loneliness, imagine the children!! As Harvard researchers point out, they are still ‘work-in-progress’ and do not have the experience to manage or cope, and yet they are being forced to!

 Makes a strong case for adults be it teachers or parents to think long and hard about the well-being – emotional, social, and behavioural health of the children. For starters, consider that they are ‘little broken’ despite those smiles and the strong facade and with that create an approach of being compassionate, communicative, proactive, and empowering. 

 10 simple things to remember:

 1. Be alert for signs and have a ‘routine’ of checking-in protocols which are not ‘how are you feeling’ questions, but instead sharing a story of someone feeling low and testing what their reactions are! Children respond with ease when the attention is shifted to someone else, and while they begin to identify with the story, they may find themselves opening up without pressure. That’s what you need to ensure that you understand their emotional state and deal with this accordingly.

 2. Before jumping into solving the problem, and being very mindful of allowing them to express themselves without judgement, remember to focus on the ‘emotion’ or the moment as opposed to the individual. For example, during a temper tantrum instead of calling the child, a ‘bad boy’ considers saying, ‘I sense that you are feeling bad about something, and I know it is making you upset, once you are ready to talk, I am here to listen.’ Sometimes, a hug following that will work, sometimes walking away will work. You have to gauge the pattern.

 3. The 2 F’s (Food and Fitness) for me are always a huge trigger point that results in emotional and behavioural challenges. 90 percent can be attributed to lack of exercise or fitness routines and a diet that does nothing for the nutrition that will not help them regulate their moods. I am not saying recommend to families to alienate their favourite foods (how much more will we distance them from the things they love) but social media is buzzing with recipes that make for delicious food that will work for children in keeping with their palate. Kids need to have some form of physical activity be it yoga, skipping, running, playing, or even doing errands through the day by organising themselves! For every two hours of sitting in one place, there must be 20-minute breaks – think of it as a long airplane ride, remember what the voice always tells you – move around. Apply this principle. Especially when planning lessons – include a treasure hunt, physical break time to dance or jump, etc!

 4. Kids need to interact with the kids of their own age, and therefore recommend to families to make an effort (if safe) to connect with other families in their building or neighbourhood to meet with social distancing and safety norms. This ‘physical’ presence helps them develop the social skills and this can always be organised when consulting the family, their health status, etc. If this is a strict no-no then try games played online with fellow kids, chatting in zoom parties, or participation in summer classes where they can engage with children of their own age.

 5. Sleep deprivation is another contributor to the emotional and behavioural changes in a child, and almost all the time, this is either an irregular and lopsided day with extreme access to the screen, poor eating habits, and almost no physical fitness routine. A child needs 10 to 12 hours of sleep to allow the mind and the body to develop and this sleep deprivation is a major cause, this would be non-negotiable as a recommendation to parents.

 6. Communication does not always have to be direct with children – as explained earlier use books, perhaps YouTube videos, or a movie to get kids into conversations and discuss about their feelings, their fears, their joys. Often as adults, our instinct is to ask, ‘is everything ok?’ – instead of the negative, focus on the positives (did you see how she jumped with joy when she saw her favourite ice cream was available) as well and then make your way to the negative. It allows the child to ease into a conversation and makes it less threatening. Also, do not play the guilt game or reward them for opening up – they have nowhere else to go, so they will open up, but it takes time and patience and by maintaining this consistent communication, you have allowed them to know that they can connect with you which is critical for the emotional needs

 7. Maintain a journal and a diary of the child’s behavioural changes if any. It is important to understand the trigger points, the pattern and in some cases of trauma or abuse, it must be important to report this to the counsellor to seek professional intervention

 8. As facilitators, it is critical to understand that this Covid schooling requires a re-orientation of some academic targets for the students in favour of mental well-being. Children need to feel enthused to learn, and if there is a period of ‘languishing’ then better to bring in the ice-breakers and games than try and teach them fraction word problems. Be flexible, adjust and prioritise well-being.

 9. Planning activities to include plenty of group work, group games, etc will help children slowly regain their confidence with social skills. They can be ‘taught’ these by encouraging words, giving them strategies, and reassuring them that they are on the right path by role modelling as well!

 10. Home-school partnership cannot be emphasised enough, and the connection must be real-time, proactive, and transparent about the challenges faced in school and at home to help the child transition to this Covid phase. Some children breeze through it, some require direction while some simply struggle, so important to have personalised and customised approach for them.

 Academic milestones are critical when one thinks of developmental goals, but these can be ‘made-up’, what is extremely difficult is regaining the strength or the confidence to be emotionally secure, and content, aware, etc. which means the focus for adults who engage with these children must be about well-being a priority. 

Schooling isn’t about words and numbers, and learning about mountains and rivers and moon and stars, what does any of this mean when the child is lugging around a heart that is so full of emotion, and pain that it dulls every information coming in!

 Time to prioritise!

 About the Author

Fatema Agarkar is an  Educationist and Founder of ACE